Being an adultier adult

Yesterday I did bank rounds and bought stuff for this little cottage industry business I’m trying to set up. I realized that I’ve been doing the grocery shopping for our home for awhile. I just settled my phone bill. I’ve also paid for the utilities and my iFlix (an Asian version of Netflix) subscription.

I’ve been doing this adult thing for the past two years, but it never really sunk in until today, when I started filling out a visa application form.

If you’re from the US or UK, having to do this may sound completely foreign to you, especially since you guys have the strongest passports in the world.

I, however, am from a not-so-small developing country that ranks 57th when it comes to passport power, meaning if you have potable water coming from the tap, I probably need a visa to visit you.

The form I’m working on requires information like how much I make a month, what I do for a living, how much I spend a month on basic needs, and how much I plan to spend on them.

It sort of sounds like a series of questions a bad date goes through in the first five minutes. I understand its importance but I feel violated to an extent because the stuff it’s asking, I don’t divulge to even my closest friends (I’m talking about money here. In my circle of friends discussing money is taboo).

There’s also this huge amount of pressure because what I say determines the outcome of my application, and since I’ve never done this before, I have this nagging voice in the back of my head asking, “Is this enough? How do I know it’s enough?”

This is the part where I realised that this was probably the most adult adulting I’ve done in the entirety of my life. My words and my bank account (because let’s be real, being an adult has a lot to do with having your own money) are going to affect a major decision.

As the youngest in most of the environments I’ve found myself in, I’d gotten used to having someone older looking out for me, pulling at strings every now and then to make sure I’d get through things all right. This time I don’t have those puppeteers.

So now that I’m going it alone, I suddenly feel like my words have the same gravity as the words of those I have always looked up to. I mean, now what I say can actually really make or break stuff.

It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel free!

But it also makes me feel like crapping my pants, because if this doesn’t work out, then all power is gone and I’m not as adult as I thought I’ve become.


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